Have you even received ‘love and light’ from someone and had it feel so incredibly bad, for some reason? Like, when you shared a really vulnerable emotion, and they would just send love and light through a screen. Sometimes with emoticons, even. Why does this feel so bad? Because you can feel the judgment. And of course this is your own judgment too, that is being reflected from outside of you. But that doesn’t negate that in that moment, you are actually being judged. And because the other person doesn’t know what to do with your pain, they decide ‘love is always right to give’ and then give you the love and light from that perspective. But – maybe even unconscious to them – they are judging you in the process. Judging the hard emotion, because it makes them feel incapable, and they don’t want to feel incapable.
I have done this. I have not necessarily sent ‘love and light’ in this literal way, but I have felt the feeling of incapability when confronted by a painful state in someone else. And rather than just directly facing that discomfort, I went into coping mechanisms. This has been hurtful to both myself and the other person.
And this is making me feel so bad. The fact that I can hurt others, just by existing. With my actions. With my lack of action. With my judgment. With my incapability and the way I deal with that incapability. With my lack of communication, or with my flawed communication, saying things that were not in alignment with my truth, not necessary, or kind, or loving…
This is so messy. It’s so messy to be a human being. I’m a codependent empath, and I’m healing that, through really conscious relationships with other codependent empaths – we call each other out and give each other space to be and have bullshit – and part of that is the absolute terror of conflict.
This is related to the open emotional center in Human Design. Being a pleaser because the emotional wave of the other is SO strongly felt in our own system (we not only pick up but also amplify the defined energy of others with our open centers) and we don’t have a consistent way of dealing with it that we are lost… overwhelmed…
And there’s so much compassion from me there, now. It IS hard to deal with strong emotions, especially when they’re aimed at us, like anger, or hurt… when someone is hurt by our boundary, they get angry, or hateful, or even explode in rage… maybe they will suppress this anger, and they will manipulate and be passive agressive. It’s all equally terrifying… the suppression even more so, because there’s unpredictability in that. The energy in the emotional body of that person isn’t matching up with what they are saying to us. And they can explode every moment. So we become terrified, scared, we get really aroused in our nervous system and we go in fight or flight. When it keeps happening, we even go in freeze mode. We get cold, numb, foggy, we close off, we get stiff and unmoving… We can’t talk, make eye contact, we can’t even utter a word to communicate our boundary. Because in the past, this person has proven themselves to be very unsafe in relation to our boundaries… so to make ourselves THAT vulnerable again?! No, rather not. Our own system is protecting us from more emotional chaos that we wouldn’t know how to deal with.
If you recognize this, if this is you, I just wanted to share the raw emotional acknowledgement of this. You don’t have to never be scared of other people’s emotions anymore. You don’t have to be perfectly capable. It’s okay to feel incapable in dealing with other people’s hurt. It’s okay to be really scared to set boundaries because in the past they weren’t met with love or understanding. It’s okay to be scared of people. It’s valid, your truth in many moments, even when you know better. Even when you give yourself a hard time because you failed at communicating your boundaries – again.
It’s always valid. And know that when you are triggered, when you have reached that freeze mode, it’s almost impossible to set a boundary then. Instead, learn to recognize this state in your body. The foggyness, numbness, the inability to connect to someone, the low energy levels… the lack of responsiveness in your own system to the world around you. It’s there to protect and serve you. So retreat, if you can. And comfort yourself. There are many ways to do this. You can put pressure on your body or wrap a blanket around you very tightly. Take a shower, have a warm cup of tea. Put on relaxing music, 432 hz music to heal and calm your nervous system.
Usually we don’t even notice our own shutdown response. And then we expect ourselves to be fully functioning humans at that moment. It’s not fair to ourselves. We are doing the best we can! And that deserves our utmost love and understanding, and empathy.
Let’s give this empathy to ourselves, too, now.
Let’s be empaths to ourselves.